Kulula Airlines: Jokes on a plane

Since 9/11, when airports and planes became a no-humour-zone, boarding a flight has become a sombre affair. But no longer.

Kulula Airlines in South Africa have been making a splash with funnies on their safety cards, menus, planes and with their pilots and flight attendants.

These quips have been spreading faster than Richard Branson’s empire, but once again, please enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

 

 

“Me Tarzan, You on hold”, when phoning Kulula and being put on hold.

 

 

“To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull the belt tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one by now, then you probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public unsupervised.”

 

 

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

 

 

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

 

 

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

 

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

 

 

“Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town . Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-law or children.”

 

 

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

 

 

“Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

 

 

“Welcome to Johannesburg, if this is not where you were intending to go then you have a bit of a problem.”

 

 

“Anyone caught jumping on the bed at any Protea Hotel will be charged R2,50 per jump and will be billed when you check out.” (part of a Kulula ad, advertising Protea Hotel rooms).

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

—-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

—-o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

—o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

—o0o—

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

—o0o—

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

—o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.”

–o0o—

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

—-o0o—

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

—o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

—o0o—

5 travel-packing tips for women

Girls just wanna have fun, right? And what better way to have fun that pack up your gear and hit the road. But there are a few things you should remember before get taking that trip of a lifetime.

1. Bras

Sure, it sounds a little dull, but who wants to spend their days on a tropical island discreetly readjusting their cups, moving straps so the sweat-and-lace don’t rub,  and trying to disguise back-fat? We wear bras everyday (well, most of us do), and they can change the shape of an outfit, give us a bit more confidence, and the right one will help control nasty sweat patches and stop rubbing. For larger ladies (like moi) Freya have the best range of bras that are pretty and sexy without compromising on comfort. And your best bet would be to get fitted first – most women wear a cup size too small and a back size too large.

2. Feminine Hygiene

I love that phrase. But honestly, take some emergency stuff with you. Especially in Asia. You would think it’s easy to find. It’s not.

3.  The Pill (or otherwise)

Before you go, remember to stock up and make sure you are protected. Do you really fancy miming sex to a Greek chemist?

4. Tweezers, clippers, a nail file, and ‘minis’

In most lady detective stories, these handy lil goods turn into weapons of destruction. For most of us, they are just necessary to ‘take a holiday from a holiday’. Yup, even on the other side of the world, your fingernails will catch on woollen jumpers. And for hair, there are some great insy winsy hairdryers and straighteners out there at the moment if you honestly can’t live without to-die-for tresses. CiaoBella stocks some great multi-purpose minis.

5. Scarf & headband.

Throw a pashmina around your neck or tie it to your bag before you leave and what have you got? A scarf, a blanket, a sarong and a wrap all in one. And why is a headband so important? Because who needs to blowdry everyday of a holiday??

5.1 Modesty is the best policy

OK, I just had to throw this in: make sure you pack at least one set of clothes that covers shoulders and knees. It will ensure you get in to any temples or places of worship, and don’t attract unwanted stares. For a breezy option, why not try a loose white linen or cotton shirt with a skirt.

Hairdryer Image from This Next

Why don’t people use online check in???

Question: why don’t more people use online check in?

Answer: I have no idea.

On a recent Air Asia flight to Kuala Lumpur, I arrived at Melbourne airport around midnight to see hundreds of tired people lining up at the check in. Mortified, clutching my passport, printed-out ticket and carry-on backpack, I thought, ‘Horror of horrors, even after checking in online, I obviously have to go through this horrendous process’. Not quite willing to queue if I didn’t have to, I thought I’d ask at the service desk first. After waiting behind someone with too many bags or an expired passport or a query about the meaning of life, I finally got to the service desk. I gulped as I asked, “Hi, do I have to line up in that – ” I pointed to the shuffling menagerie – “even though I’ve checked in online?”. The woman behind the counter actually smiled at me, as though for once she got to deliver good news.

“No no, you just go over that way to where it says online check in, after the Premium Economy line.”

“Oh,” I sighed, thinking that I would still have a huge queue I hadn’t even seen yet. “Thank you.”

As I walked towards this so-called online check in counter, I realised there was no queue there. Well, there was, but it had five people in it, and two open counters. As opposed to four counters for four hundred people beside me. The chatty Malaysian girls in front of me quickly checked their bags in, and there was a stupidly tall, grotesquely overweight man whose bags seemed to be almost his size, who took an age debating with the staff whether or not he had to pay excess baggage, but I was swiftly sent to the alternative open counter to weigh my bag (4.5 kilos, yup!) and hand over my passport and piece of paper.

And that, my friends, was that. I even asked the girl if that was really all I had to do.

“Yup!” she smiled.

I turned and looked at the hordes of people still waiting in the queue, clutching documents, scolding children, and pushing heavy bags forward with their feet. I was already on my way to get a coffee and in my head I asked them, as I ask you now, “Why don’t people use online check in????”

Image from here

Eight hours in Malacca – Malaysia’s prettiest tourist town

Although the name sounds like a filthy Greek swear word, Malacca is in fact one of Malaysia’s prettiest tourist towns.

Framed by the sea, Malacca is home to buildings covered in vibrant pinks, yellows and even mosaics. The main streets echo Michael Jackson and Madonna songs, as pimped-out rickshaw dripping in fake flowers, tinsel, butterflies and car-stereos ferry tourists to historical sites. In the winding back streets of the old town, traditional Chinese shop-houses are now home to edgy fit-outs and artisan jewellers, painters and funky cafes.  In Jonker Street, the biggest tourist walk, relaxed bars fringed with potted palms compete with Malacca’s traditional fare: deep-fried Durian and pineapple tarts. Yes, in Malacca it feels like Willy Wonka’s factory exploded and showered the town with all things sweet and cute, before the stooped Chinese grandmothers swept in their own brand of Asian kitsch.

Set on Malaysia’s West coast, Malacca once held the role of one of the world’s busiest trading ports. It was colonised by the Portuguese, who quickly realised they could not control trading in the area, even though they controlled Malacca. The port in Malacca was then deemed too shallow for international trade, and the Dutch captured the port in 1641. Although they were not particularly interested in Malacca, the Dutch built their trademark ‘red’ building (top image) as their stamp on the town. Today, Malacca remains shaped by its colourful past, with examples of Dutch and Portuguese architecture around, including Fort a Famosa, the ruins of the 1522 for built by the Portuguese, and the replica Frol de la mar battleship – now an icon for tourists to scramble around and take photos of.

Malacca was so hotly contested by the Europeans because of its location between Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, and its proximity to Sumatra. The town is bordered by sea on one side, and jungle on the other. The European influence extends to the many bridges over Malacca’s main river. Coupled with its small, cobbled streets, you could fleetingly confuse it for Venice. However, when I stepped out the car and began wandering towards the first bridge, a two metre lizard started ambling along the river bank flicking its tongue ten feet below me. Terrified that the prehistoric dragon would leap up and swallow me, I ran to the other side of the road. I was quickly informed that it had simply gone to simmer in the sun on some muddy rocks. You don’t get that in Venice.

The best place to begin exploring Malacca is in the old town centre, with a guided rickshaw tour. The tours last between half an hour or an hour, and the guides will usually point out interesting sites, although they differ in personality.  (1/2 hour rm20, 1 hour rm40). The rickshaws leave from the town square in front of the red building. Although this is the most touristy area, it is like a comforting backwater compared with many other major tourist destinations in the world. Three or four stalls selling hats (which we needed!), wooden shoes and souvenirs sit quietly in the shade. There is one man with various lizards and pythons you can have your photo taken with, but that’s it for touts. Malaysia is light-years behind somewhere like Thailand in terms of tourism. The upside is that you can roam freely without feeling like one in a million, the downside is the signage is somewhat below par.

After a rickshaw ride, it is worth getting lost in the winding back streets of the old town. The narrow streets are flanked with two-storey concrete buildings; typical Chinese shop-houses. Today they are inhabited with young designers and artists, and cater for an upmarket tourist trade – both Malay and Western – whose tastes point to elegant, unique homewares, antiques, and artworks. Shop fronts have been painted with garish colours of Chinese motifs; lanterns hang from windows; and care has been paid to the old features such as intricately carved front doors or windows. After three fruitless days of shopping in KL, I found myself ogling all the handcrafted wares on display, and bundled a handmade silver ring and various watercolours into my handbag to take home.

There are plenty of places to stop for a bite to eat in the old town. We chose a cafe that featured a huge billboard advertising it was a Lonely Planet ‘our pick’. It served a range of great coffee, with artwork on the wall and a grungey vibe. We were almost out of cash, so thankfully our lunch of noodles and wontons came it at under rm20.

Continuing our walk, we hit Jonker Street, the biggest tourist strip. Unlike the town centre, this has more cheap n tacky kitsch than you can poke a stick at – and the buildings are no exception: tiled, stencilled and adorned with red lanterns, they are a riot of colour.

The Salsa bar on Jonker street was a great spot to people watch, enjoy a Tiger beer and escape the sun behind potted palms. However, we only got there after a long search for an ATM. There are no such things in the old town, so TAKE PLENTY OF CASH or you will end up in just another air-conditioned shopping complex hunting for a bank. However, after we found cash, I couldn’t help picking up a pair of shoes to add to my new purchases.

Malacca is a great destination for a day or two, and if you’ve been stuck in KL, this is a great place to feel like you’re getting out of the cosmopolitan rush. But a word of advice – either read your maps very, very carefully, or take a bus or taxi: the signage here is confusing, and the parking system is even stranger. Apparently you need to buy a ticket from the stationery shop (which we didn’t do), or you’ll cop a fine (which we did).

Happy travels!

Gear Review – Backpack and Down Jacket

With three weeks to go until my trip, I did a ‘test pack’ yesterday. Yup, I pulled out all my winter clothes and all my summer clothes, and stuffed them in the relevant bags. Summer stuff was AOK, but winter? I got one pair of boots, a jacket and one pair of jeans in my bag and that was it. Hmm. So my towel, toiletries, T-shirts, bras, knickers and scarves are going….where exactly?

 

As I stood at the foot of my bed examining the situation in front of me, I decided it was time to take the plunge and buy one of those heartbreakingly expensive, rollable, waterproof, travel-perfect jackets, that usually sport a logo like ‘North Face’, and keep German hikers snug and warm in the middle of the Alps. Yes, it cost the equivalent of 10 days in Asia, but I figure I didn’t have to buy a backpack this time around, so why not invest in another decent piece of travel wear.

So, my new jacket is the snuggiest, lightest, featheriest thing I’ve ever seen. Somehow, even with a layer of down, it actually manages to be quite shape-fitting, meaning that I don’t look like the black version of the abominable snowman every time I leave the house. At the beautiful thing? It rolls down into a tiny wad like a sleeping bag (but much smaller) so I can actually pack around it now. Yay!

I’m rolling all of my winter gear into a small carry-on sized suitcase, but my summer gear is going into a 25litre backpack. Ahem, some of you may know this as a daypack, but I have decided it will fit everything I need, and if I carry more than five kilos I will be whingeing and moaning for much of my trip.

I’m a bit in love with this backpack anyway. I bought it to do the Oxfam Trailwalker - a 100km walk in 48 hours through all kinds of terrain. Realistically, I only need something small enough for a camel pack and the odd snack, but I went a bit wild thinking that I would be starving in a forest (yeah, surrounded by 10,000 other walkers and god knows how many volunteers, and our ‘support crew’ at every fifteen k’s, that turned out not to be an issue) so I got the bigger one. Trailwalker also meant I am now fully equipped with all my thermals, good shoes, and walking poles. (Well, that is until I threw the walking poles out this afternoon….) Anyway, after buying this pack, I learnt all the things you’re supposed to pay attention to in a backpack. For starters, it has a cushioned back that means the pack sits off your back, meaning you don’t get so hot. It has entry from the bottom and the top, so you can pull things out more easily, OR zip the bottom section shut to keep your shoes and nasties. It of course has side pockets for water bottles, a small front pocket for keys etc, and is generally super comfy.